A strong cup of coffee is great for getting things moving in the morning. For many of us, in more ways than one—You know what I’m talking about.
Coffee doesn’t affect everyone the same way, of course. Some of us just spend a little more time on the throne—for a minority of us, that time may be less pleasant than the rest of us—while plenty of others notice no changes at all.
Amazingly enough, one of the few medical studies on the effects of coffee consumption on the gastrointestinal system says that, when it comes to dyspepsia—that’s “upset tummy” for those of us who aren’t Wikipedia editors or in the medical profession—“no association between coffee and dyspepsia is found.”
While indigestion isn’t the only thing that leads to a greater need to go, it is one big contributor to F.P.R.U. (Feelings of Poop Related Urgency).
But that’s ridiculous, right? Most of us would swear that if we drink too much coffee in the morning, we do feel a greater urge to poop. So what gives?
Well, I can’t hold it in anymore—here we go:
First of all, we know that coffee initiates what's known as the "gastrocolic reflex.” That’s the reflex that happens when you ingest any type of food.
After the coffee (or food) enters your digestive system, the reflex continues all the way down from the stomach, to the small intestine, then to the large intestine (colon), where you… well, we all know what eventually happens down there.
Number two, another study indicates that coffee consumption may affect something called the brain-gut axis. Now, what the hell is that? Well, in short, it’s the thing that links the emotional and cognitive centers of the brain with—well, ultimately, the ass. The brain-gut axis can trigger functional bowel problems as a result of emotional changes, which can certainly come from drinking coffee.
That means for some people, just worrying about getting bad poops from drinking coffee may become a self-fulfilling prophecy, in the end.
For a lot of us though, there can be even bigger reasons that our coffee makes us poop—all that milk, creamer, and sugar we pour into it. Hell, some of us put clarified butter in coffee, and I think we’ve all seen that episode of the Sopranos where Tony had clarified butter.
Coffee that’s more acidic (i.e. lighter roasts) can amplify any effects coffee has on your poop. Likewise, coffee that’s hotter (as opposed to just warm or iced) can make the urge to go even more intense.
If you’re one of the people out there whose pooping regimen is more affected by coffee than others, you may find that drinking your joe iced may not lead to the same poop problems as a cup that’s piping hot.
On its own, caffeine has also been shown to stimulate colon function—check out this study on “the effect of coffee on the distal colon” if you’re really doubting me here.
For the rest of you, let’s continue…
However, when it comes to the way caffeine affects the mind and the body, and how much caffeine causes those effects, they vary wildly from person to person.
So there are a lot of people who could theoretically ingest caffeine unknowingly (say, thinking a cup of coffee is decaf when it isn’t) and not notice any greater need to poop.
There are still other theories out there about why your morning cup of coffee may make you need (or feel like you need) to poop—but not a lot of information (or scientific proof, at least). Many of the studies out there profess that more research is needed on the subject.
Even studies like the ones I linked to in this article all seem to have at least some degree of uncertainty about the results, since we’re mostly kinda relying on the participants’ “feels” about whether or not they need to poop more, versus measuring exactly how much more pooping is caused. Finding out more may require scientists getting their hands dirty.
Humanity may never know exactly what—okay, okay… that’s probably a little dramatic—one day, humanity probably will know exactly what links coffee so hard to all of our poops, but that day isn’t today.
Now, if you’ll excuse me...
