COFFEE IS FAN-F*CKING-TASTIC FOR YOU
Are you one of those annoying people always vowing to cut down on your coffee intake? Well, there’s good news and bad news. Good news: you might not need to cut down on coffee. Bad news: you’ll probably still be annoying. Hey, you can’t always win. But at least there’ll always be coffee.
When it comes to the health benefits of coffee, it seems the facts are more murky-brown than black-and-white. Most of what effects the truth behind all these coffee factoids comes down to the quality and the quantity of the coffee you’re knocking back.
To be clear though, we’re absolutely 100 per-f*cking-cent behind drinking coffee – and for good reason. Here’s why.
1.BRAIN JUICE
Coffee boosts your overall brain performance. It stimulates neurotransmitters that literally help you process all kinds of crazy shit and respond quicker. Think cocaine, with (hopefully) less douchiness. Who wins the promotion? Kevin, with his milky English Breakfast tea, or SABRINA, with her f*cking black-as-the-ace-of-spades LIQUID SUCCESS IN A MUG coffee?! Yep. Exactly. *takes victory sip*
2.LIQUID HAPPINESS
Some studies have shown lower suicide and depression rates in coffee drinkers. We’re not saying throw out the meds (please don’t), but we are saying that washing them down with coffee might just make your life a little less meh and a little more HELLS YEAH!!!!
3.IMMORTALITY
Okay, not quite, but pretty f*cking close.
Some doctors have suggested that coffee drinkers live longer. Living longer is what most of us want, right? Do we not all strive for immortality, on some level? We want to live forever. Coffee helps us get closer to this goal – closer to being immortal. Being immortal is basically the same thing as being a mutant superhero, like Wolverine, who may not technically be immortal, but he’s pretty f*cking hard to kill. So, if you drink coffee…you’re like Wolverine. Ergo…drinking coffee could lead you to grow kickass metal-blade claws. YES! #science
4.DELICIOUS PAIN RELIEF
In a similar vein to point #3, if you’re looking to become less ‘Kevin’-ish (sorry Kevins, it’s been a rough day for you) and a little more Wolverine-ish, put down that useless green juice and pick up a mug of coffee. Sure, green juice is super healthy for you and blah-blah-blah BUT…does it help you become more like Wolverine? No. It doesn’t. What was my point again? Oh yes – coffee has been proven to relieve pain. Stop whining like a little bitch, Kevin, and drink some coffee instead.
5.FOR GOODNESS SAKE
Yes, it’s good for you. No, that doesn’t mean stop eating regular food or taking your vitamins, but if you play your cards right, coffee can actually enhance your overall health. It’s packed full of essential vitamins and contains antioxidants for days. If consumed moderately, and without tons of bad shit in it, coffee is fan-f*cking-tastic for you.
So stop whining about cutting down on caffeine. Rather, spend your time doing something useful like taking less sugar or cream with your coffee, and make each glorious cup count.
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